Upon being asked to write this article, I felt immediate appreciation for my wife and closest friend. Without Judy’s godly faith, abiding love, and constant friendship that have saturated our relationship with trust and companionship, all the ministry and guidance given to others would never have been possible. While I have been a marriage counselor for over 40 years and have been blessed to share in many premarital counseling settings, it is the hours spent counseling married couples that causes me to emphasize something many never find or develop in their relationship. The author Ed Wheat, a physician and marriage therapist, wrote an insightful and powerful book with Gloria Okes Perkins called Love Life for Every Married Couple. In one chapter, Wheat shares the beautiful truth of what he and his wife, Gaye, learned about marriage:
“You might call what developed between us a sense of belonging. We had decided right from the start that it was us against the world—two people forming a majority of one. So whatever happened, or however much we clashed in private, we stuck by each other. We were like a brother and sister on the playground. We might scrap with each other, but let an outsider try to horn in and he had to take us both on! If one of us hurt, the other wiped away the tears. We made a habit of believing in each other while our careers got off the ground. We showed each other all the kindness that two impatient young people could be expected to show—and then some more. It really wasn’t long until we discovered something stupendous about our relationship: We found out we belonged. We came first with each other, and always would.”[1]
Of course, I know that God must come first in anyone’s life, and especially in a marriage, but from a daily human perspective, the importance of the love principle of belonging must be prioritized above career choices, romanticism, sexual fulfillment, social interaction, financial planning, church life, and procreation. From the beginning of the annals of husbands and wives in Genesis 2:18, aloneness was addressed by the Creator through giving humans a wonderful joy called the gift of belonging. In my observation as a marriage counselor and through my own marital experience, it is this one element that has had the ongoing influence to bring joy and abundant life to a committed couple. In the legendary passage in 1 Corinthians 7, titled by some as the “Principles of Marriage,” Paul makes a powerful point in verse three (NKJV): “Let the husband render to his wife the affection (eunoia[2]) due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.” Some Bible versions define this eunoia as “sexual needs,” other versions use the word “benevolence,” while still others use words that emphasize duty, kindness, or good will. While all these words contain a nugget of truth in them, the fuller meaning is found in the Greek word storgos, which is used in reference to intimate relationships. It encompasses a more realistic attitude toward one another that is best described as companionship that comes from having a sense of belonging. This storgos (in the form of philostorgos [3]) is referred to by Paul in Romans 12:10, and as astorgos (where it is used negatively in reference to same-sex unions) in Romans 1:31 and 2 Timothy 3:3. This gift of belonging, given by the Creator to humankind through the marriage of one man and one woman, is unmistakably stronger than any other emotion or activity that two people can share together.
This is more than togetherness, which can become corrupted or misused as happens in many relationships today. It is more than a self-centered happiness. Let me return for a moment to my wife and me. I have always affectionately called my wife Jude. We will soon celebrate our 55th anniversary with thankfulness and memories of times we needed that sense of belonging in our relationship. We remember being together for the birth of each of our two daughters, both of whom continue to bring us such joy. We also reflect back on my wife’s miscarriage between those two births—a difficult time that brought us feelings of fear, loss, and pain. We can recall the times we left places in our ministry that we loved, only to start another adventure with new friendships. Yes, we watched our daughters leave home, with joy and uneasiness, as they entered their own marriages and started their own families, but soon that uncomfortable separation brought the overwhelming joy of five grandchildren. Together we lived through the pain of my broken back, the sudden loss of both our dads within a month’s time, and afterwards, the passing of our mothers, my older brother and sister, Jude’s surgery to replace her knee, and the Covid pandemic that almost took our lives. Then, there was the death of my wife at 32,000 feet on an airplane—only to see the Lord raise her from the dead over 20 minutes later! Intermingled in those events, we were blessed to welcome into our family two beautiful Christian ladies who married two of our grandsons. Over the last two years now, we have enjoyed the birth of two great-grandsons. This coming August 31, we will make another transition from active ministerial service that has taken us to 45 states and 48 nations. I am truly blessed to enjoy this gift of belonging with my loving friend, my wife.
One area many Christians neglect in their relationship with their husband or wife is that of affirming their partner. If there is one thing that will hinder a person’s sense of belonging, it is the lack of genuine approval. A spouse’s approval causes the other person to sense that they are thought of favorably. This human need for affirmation is seen flowing from our Creator’s personality. Twice in the life and ministry of Jesus Christ, the Father made it audibly clear so others would know that He was affirming the eternal value and love that His Son needed: in Mark 1:11, at the baptism of Jesus in the Jordan River, and later in Matthew 17:5, when Jesus was transfigured before Peter, James, and John. In both scenarios, the powerful affirming words of approval were spoken by the Father to the Son: “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.” The Father had done this before Jesus started His ministry, and the Father did it again before Jesus ever suffered and died on the cross. Their mutual sense of belonging should not be overlooked.
Statistics will show that on many personality evaluations taken by married couples, approval from their partner shows up as one of the top three needs desired by both the husband and the wife. Both approval and the sense of belonging are so intricately tied to one another that couples need to focus on them over the entire years of their marriage. Personally speaking, I believe this is the secret to a joyful marriage. In a counseling setting several years ago, one wife shared an alarming response to me. She said, “I love my husband, but I have never liked him.” The look in his eyes made me know quickly that this was not a new revelation or confession by her. In almost every counseling session since, one of the first questions I ask each of the partners is this: “Do you like your husband (wife)?” The answers—whether quick, reluctant, or carefully dodged—have always revealed whether or not there is a sense of belonging (or approval) in the couple’s relationship. David Ferguson, in his book Never Alone, shares this insight:
Meeting the need for approval should focus more on your spouse’s intrinsic worth as God’s creation than on what he or she has accomplished. Approval does not highlight what has been accomplished as much as why it was accomplished. Showing approval places value on your spouse’s character qualities and gifts that enable success—qualities such as determination, persistence, creativity, reliability, or attention to detail. Demonstrating love through approval requires that you really know your spouse.
Having read several testimonies from couples who have come to realize the importance of the gift of belonging, let me share one of those brief comments with you:
In the quiet of their shared kitchen, Elena watched Marcus stir a pot of soup, his shoulders relaxed in a way they never were in the outside world. For years, she had chased the feeling of “home” in childhood houses and bustling cities, but it always felt like a temporary lease. It was in the small, unscripted moments—the way her husband instinctively moved to make room for her by the stove, or how they could sit in twenty minutes of silence without a flicker of unease—that the restlessness finally stilled. She realized belonging wasn’t about a shared last name or a mortgage; it was the profound relief of being fully known and still being invited to stay. As Marcus handed her a spoon to taste, his eyes holding a familiar warmth, Elena understood that she was no longer a visitor in someone else’s life. She was the architecture of his, and he was hers.[4]
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[1] Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins, Love Life for Every Married Couple, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1980), 97.
[2] Spiros Zodhiates, ed., Hebrew-Greek Key Word Study Bible (Chattanooga, TN: AMG International Inc, 2008), s.v. “eunoia,” 2178.
[3] Zodhiates, Key Word Study Bible, s.v. “philostorgos,” 2305.
[4] Brittney Powell, “The Story of Us,” Lemon8, Lifestyle Community, September 4, 2023, https://www.lemon8-app.com/brittneypowell/7220260331451908614?region=us.
